he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
