I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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