my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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