Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize