Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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