I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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