I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
