There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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