I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
