I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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