He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
