Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
