mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
