just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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