i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
