Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
