I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
