onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
