please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
