tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
