That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
this is an emotional support booty call
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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