you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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