im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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