hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
