My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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