I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
