Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
