someone threw a dead crab at me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How's work?
Spinning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
