Where are you?
In a non slutty way
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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