I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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