Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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