They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
