Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
