I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
