I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
