I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
