You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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