saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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