i need an iv and a liver transplant
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
