I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we're making bets on your personal life
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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