I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm always down for nudity.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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