when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
