Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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