quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You're like the curious george of whores
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I touched a dick in church today
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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