I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
