Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
