Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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