i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
