yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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