I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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