Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
