I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
