I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
