She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
