I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
did i walk over a car last night?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
