Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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