don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
