3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
