I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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