where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
