I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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