made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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